A batch of biscuits is born

Non-dunkable, but still good

When I was an employed person at Exeter university, my fellow Digital Teamers and I had all the usual conversations that you’d expect in an office (and then some!) - and because our office was remote from the rest of the department we had our own kettle. So naturally, as we are British and most were fans of tea/coffee, we were therefore fans of a good biscuit. One of these conversations turned into the decision that we would hold a World Cup of Happy Shopper Biscuits (my parting gift to them was a framed print of my biscuit illustrations forming a trophy to commemorate the event).

For the uninitiated, Happy Shopper is (I think?) a very British, low cost own-brand (or ‘knock-off brand’ as my daughter would say) range of products that you would always find in corner shops - I clearly remember seeing Happy Shopper everything in our little village Post Office and shop where I grew up. It was cheap and cheerful, and I think, a particularly 1980s thing? (is it still going now?)

Happy Shopper had its own range of brand-alike biscuits, same sort of thing as your ‘Tower Gate’ in Lidl now (other supermarkets are available).

Anyway we set about buying as many of the different Happy Shopper biscuit range that we could - kudos to the company, who actually sent us a boxful of a particular biscuit that we couldn’t find stocked anywhere locally, so one of the team called them up and explained our dilemma! Legends!

We held a series of rounds, where two biscuits would battle it out and the winner would go through to the next round, not dissimilar to the excitement and tension of The Voice, or Britain’s Got Talent… you get the gist.

These battles sparked a considerable amount of ‘healthy’ debate (and enlarged waistlines). Rules were that you weren’t allowed a vote if you didn’t taste the biscuit, and that was about it, I think. Dunking or not dunking wasn’t a critical factor, but a biscuit’s dunkability may affect your opinion and therefore your vote, positively or negatively, depending on your individual preferences.

Some results were surprising. But for me, no other judgement held the same abject horror as the shock usurping of the mighty Bourbon cream by the lowly upstart Coconut Ring (ikr?!).

(Insert Dad joke) It really took the biscuit, I can tell you.

I argued strongly and repeatedly in favour of the Bourbon cream, and my traitorous colleagues - previously held in high esteem - did go down in my estimation, I’m sorry to say. I was genuinely flummoxed by the result and votes being so easily swayed by a Coconut Ring, for goodness’ sake.

What can I say, the British love an underdog.

So after all these years, I’m getting my own back. I’m hereby compiling my own Top Ten of Biscuits, which will be full of my own bias and opinions, with scant regard for fairness or popular consensus. Read on for the Top Ten countdown, Pop Pickers!

A brief digression for some Biscuit Besties context

But first - to give this story its proper context, I must tell you about an email that landed in my inbox during the summer. A lovely lady had seen my Cheerful Cheeses mug in one of my stockists and wanted to ask if I did a biscuit version. Now, I did not need asking twice! This was the opportunity I’d been waiting for!

I set about drawing biscuits anew and researching the classic tea time favourites that I wanted in my collection. None of your overt American influences like Oreos. And because I’m nothing if not a disruptor, I thought I’d include Jaffa Cakes and pink wafers in the collection because it would spark healthy debate as to whether Jaffa Cakes are cakes or biscuits (yawn). I’ll be honest, I included pink wafers because frankly a biscuit collection needs a bit of colour!

Amusingly (to myself) I drew the biscuit collection during our drive up to Scotland for our family holiday. Not easy to draw in the car (no I wasn’t driving haha) but doable, especially as I digitise them, so I could tidy them up once home. I’m sure the family in-car discussions about which biscuits I should include and their names qualified as #makingmemories.

In our correspondence, the lovely customer said she wanted to get a mug with biscuits on for her husband as one of his Christmas presents. I asked her what his name is, because I might be able to include it on the mug - and I kid you not, she said his name is Malcolm, and he’s rather partial to a Malted Milk. * chef’s kiss *

Honestly, you couldn’t make it up. Talk about perfect. So Jo and Malcolm, this collection is inspired by you! (and to get revenge for the Happy Shopper debacle!)

Quite literally mate, here we go - it’s the Biscuit Besties Pick of the Pops! Dunktastic, mate!*

This list contains purely my own views and opinions, based on my life experiences and personal preferences. I will state for the record that I will eat any biscuit, frankly, so to create a top ten of them is unnecessary, therefore this is just for japes. For context, I am a tea drinker only (never coffee) and like it strong (never milky, bleurgh) and I do appreciate a good dunk. I shall not be accepting questions at this time.

Disclaimer: Biscuits in the Biscuit Bestie team that aren’t in my Top Ten that deserve a mention or at least an explanation:

Hobnobs - some might say a strange choice to leave this one out. I’ll happily consume its crumbly oaty goodness (obvs). A chocolate version is even better (obvs). But I don’t know why, I’m just not that fussed, it doesn’t spark enough joy (or have specific enough qualities). It leaves too many bits in your tea post-dunk. I once ate a hobnob after having had wisdom teeth out the day before - that was foolish.

Party Rings - not a biscuit I’d ever buy, but I can munch one at a kids’ party happily enough. I think they’re too hard, they look like they should have a bit of squidge to them. Bonus points for pretty icing though.

Pink wafers - frankly they’re rubbish aren’t they? Like eating ice cream cones. Nice, but fairly pointless. Can’t believe they’re still being made to be honest.

Nice biscuits - I do like a Nice biscuit. In the interests of this project, I did research the name - they are indeed pronounced ‘Neece’ because they are named after the town of Nice in France. So that clears that up once and for all. That is why I have named her Nina Nice, to aid in the correct pronounciation. I think of the Nice biscuit as the elegant lady of the group (not your clodhopping shortcake), to be consumed delicately with tea in a proper china cup and saucer (no, that’s not me).

Cookies - I’m not a fan of a Maryland cookie, but will still eat them, obvs. They’re something and nothing, they’re only decent because they’ve got chocolate chips. And big proper cookies - they don’t qualify as biscuits in the British tea drinking sense.

Watch out mate - here it comes!

Joint = 10. Rich Tea

I imagine this one causes uproar, or at least mild outrage (how very British). Although the Rich Tea is anything but uproarious, it’s the mildest and most boring of all! Of course adding chocolate to a Rich Tea improves it considerably and is obviously a superior choice, however I don’t dislike a boring basic Rich Tea. There’s something almost Puritan about them, they’re the Mild Cheddar of cheeses, the boiled ham of meats, the Village Hall of… locations. I think I like the bland softness of a lightly-dunked Rich Tea, the skill involved in timing it just right. No one wants a wodge of Rich Tea mush ruining their brew though, so it only narrowly makes it into the top ten at all!

Joint = 10. Garibaldi

For my own amusement, and because I can make and break my own rules, I’m adding this one as a joint number 10. Similar reasons to the Rich Tea, the Garibaldi is almost a pointless biscuit in its dullness - the raisins (squashed flies) save it from total pointlessness. Again it’s one I take a perverse pleasure in because of its dullness. It’s pleasingly flat and chewy (but then so is cardboard). I like the fact these are universally referred to as Squashed Fly Biscuits and everyone knows which one it is. I like the fact it’s literally got Gary in its name, so my jokes write themselves. Not one I’d put in my supermarket trolley, but perversely enjoy nonetheless, if offered (most likely to be offered in a Village Hall).

9. Custard Cream

Because of its opulent decoration and creamy interior, I feel that Custard Creams should be higher in my estimation than they are. I like them, but wouldn’t choose them. I’ll happily eat them, but they’re not my fave. I like custard, I like the custardy flavour. They’re not really a dunker, being a multi-layered affair, but they survive a dunk if you insist. I think this is a case of ‘it’s not you, it’s me’.

8. Jammie Dodger

I feel like these aren’t reeeeally proper biscuits, probably because they’re kiddie biscuits. But that’s not a negative, lots of brilliant things are wasted on kids. These are fun and pretty and have a cute raised splash on the front and a jammy heart, so what’s not to like? Negatives are that they’re not really as jammy as one would expect, and they’re a bit over sugary. A bit like kids’ parties I guess - fun but you wouldn’t want them every day.

7. Lotus Biscoff

These feel a bit naughty to include - I feel like they’re a modern interloper that has snuck into our consciousness. Like Stroopwaffles, they’re a biscuit that we didn’t know about until a few years ago (is that right?). In my family we’ve always called them Hairdresser Biscuits because that’s where you’re given them with your complimentary hot drink! I enjoy the spiced flavour because I like gingerbread and Liebkuchen and all that sort of thing. These are not a traditional British classic, but we move with the times and these are tasty and can cope with a (very) light dunk. I also understand that Aldi do them as a chocolate sandwich biscuit - it’s a good day when those come out with your beverage at the hairdressers!

6. Fig Roll

These are a maverick choice to include - told you I’m a disruptor! They must be a bit healthy as they include figs, and I’m sure they’ll keep you regular. Fig Rolls are basically just a comforting bit of stodge. I can imagine they’re divisive, but hey I like them. I like their somewhat strange appearance, an unusual choice of shape but pleasingly solid with a good squidge. They feel a little more grown up for a biscuit.

5. Malted Milk

I was shocked to discover recently that my brother doesn’t like Malted Milks! I feel like this is a family secret that I’m only just uncovering! We all had many a discussion trying to work out what the other shape was on the biscuit ‘picture’ - we called them Cow and Fish biscuits, which is bizarre as I can’t see why we thought the lying-down cow was a fish. Kids eh. When doing my research to find the definitive Malted Milk biscuit design in order to draw it, I realised that different brands have different ‘pictures’ on their versions, but I think I’ve gone with the main brand leader. I believe it’s two cows. Milk urns appear on some I think. Anyway. I enjoy the flavour, I like its dunkability (still with an element of risk), I love the raised decoration on the front, it’s like a little framed painting. Simple pleasures eh?

4. Jaffa Cake

Oooh now this does stir the emotion up doesn’t it?! The age-old argument ‘is it a cake or a biscuit?’ Gosh who knows! I believe it originated from a VAT matter, didn’t it? God knows why one or the other has VAT but the other doesn’t, sounds mighty unfair regardless. Life’s hard enough without VAT on small treats. But I think the only reason there’s a debate is because they put cake in the name, and the ‘biscuit’ part is sponge and we expect biscuits to be hard. I don’t know - I’m not really bothered. We certainly wouldn’t eat Jaffa Cakes as a cake - you’d feel shortchanged if you were handed one on a plate as a cake. They are biscuit sized and shaped. I’m content to consider them biscuits for these purposes. My reasons for including them in my top ten are that they’re stupidly light and moreish so you could scoff down most of a packet before realising that’s what you’d done, and secondly my favourite thing is taking biscuits apart - I like eating bits separately - and Jaffa Cakes are pretty good for gnawing off the chocolate, then it’s very satisfying peeling the orange jelly off the non-biscuity base, getting that boring bit noshed and then enjoying the circle of jelly on your tongue. Apologies for that description, which you didn’t ask for and now lives rent-free in your head.

3. Ginger Nut

I blooming love a Ginger Nut. They are solid and crunchy. They are not too big and not too small, substantial yet you can have a few. They’re excellent dunkers. The flavour is punchy and delicious (helps if you like ginger). I can reliably inform you that they did not help at all with morning sickness. But we won’t worry about that, it’s not their fault. They’re an icon who stands alone - mainly because they’ll flavour everything else in the biscuit tin with ginger if you mix them up. They’re just a great, flavoursome all rounder.

2. Chocolate Digestive

It is debatable whether these should actually be number 1, but I’m loyal and I stand by my principles. These win points for being a) big and b) chocolate covered. Chocolate caramel digestives are a ridiculous addition to the market but dangerously good - they’re a premium biscuit (however I chose not to include those because they’re not traditional and design-wise they wouldn’t look any different to normal choc digestives).

Digestives are the naughtier cousin of Rich Teas - similarly boring but just that bit more substantial, more sugary/buttery (not sure which. Both?). But add chocolate to the top, with the distinctive rippled pattern, and now you’re talking! In family tree terms, I reckon Rich Teas and Digestives are cousins, Chocolate Digestives are the naughty fun Aunty, and Chocolate Caramel Digestives are a rich, flashy Uncle. (Am I overthinking this?)

1.The Actual King of the Biscuits - the Bourbon Cream

This is the pinnacle. The Ultimate. The King of kings. The Bourbon Cream is my absolute go-to. We can’t buy them in this house as they don’t last 5 minutes. Bourbons work on many different levels. It’s a sandwich biscuit, therefore automatically a premium option, whether a knock-off brand or not. But it’s not a nouveau flashy chocolate covered one, it’s more of a cocoa flavoured one - and therefore less sickly. Its shape means it’s stable and a great dunker. As per my addiction to taking things apart to eat them, it’s a great one for nibbling the outside edge, removing the top, scraping off the creamy layer, then eating the bottom layer, dunking at any point.

So all hail the Bourbon cream. You are truly a King in my eyes, I am forever your loyal and humble servant (even though I can’t buy biscuits because sadly we really don’t need them in our day-to-day diet).

Enjoy the Biscuit Besties range everyone, they’re a friendly bunch.

*Smashie and Nicey references - showing my age here, mate!